Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Prisoners of the Lost Universe - 1983

This movie is bad.  Like as in, bad bad.  It's mostly just that it feels so fucking childish.  Who the hell would actually watch this movie, actually put it on, sit down, and watch it?  Someone that's either drunk or a fucking idiot.

I just got back from vacation, 8 days where I drove cross country, saw many states I'd never thought I'd see, and now I'm back.  I watched maybe 2 movies on this trip?  I think?  And finished Prisoners, which I'd started way too long ago to remember thoroughly.  But this is the kind of movie where you could sleep from the 5 minute mark until 5 minutes before the end and barely miss anything.

In a plot much like Outlaw of Gor, some people get transported to a parallel universe where they are tossed into the midst of a conflict going on and mild action ensues.  Why do I even try any more?

This movie fucking sucked.  Nothing happens in it!  It's long, tedious, slow paced, ditsy, childish, yet somehow had real actors in it.  Not that it helped much because they all suck in this, but wtf were these guys doing in this shit show?

Again I find myself wondering who the target audience would be.  It's not fun enough to be for children, it's too stupid to be for older people.  I guess it's for the tween crowd, but why would they see this when in 1983 there were way better movies to see?  I guess in a way it's easy to slam movies like this, because we have so many more options, and we forget that in 1983 there wasn't a ton of options available on VHS, and no DVD, and no way to find a movie online.

So, what do we have....a juvenile in feel, nonsensical romp through dimension.  It features a few wacky characters, fish-looking dude and big strong guy (no, I don't fucking care what their names were).  John Saxon is the evil beard-having tyrant dude who must be stopped.  And of course the dimension hoppers are an annoying naggy teen girl, and some mildly older dude who never does anything important.

If you were to eat an awesome dinner, get your dick sucked, get a mild buzz on, and then watch this movie, it might still ruin your night, and that's saying something.  Fuck this shit, yo.

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