Monday, July 13, 2015

Cool as Ice - 1991

Run screaming.  Run away now, run screaming, please.  Why didn't you do it?  Dude, you're an asshole.

Who the fuck decides what the cult movies are?  Can I meet someone who decides these things and ask them why this movie, Cold as Ice, isn't getting shown at the midnight movies, why this isn't on the list of "best cult movies ever?"  Sure, I'm not like a Vanilla Ice fan, I mean no one is right?  But seriously, this movie has every single fucking ingredient required to make a cult film.  And yes, I've heard of some people calling it "cult" or "classic".  But this movie is not given enough cred.

First of all, it's Vanilla Ice.  I mean, for real.  The guy looks soooooooo fucking stupid.  He looks like every single horrible 90's and 80's cliche and bad fashion taste rolled into one incredibly overdone package.  Say what you will about puffy hair and neon coloring, at least those fashions were definitive of the 80's and lasted for most of them.  But what Vanilla Ice took on, the fashions, were extremely temporary.  They were indicative of maybe one brief, brief moment in the early 90's and that is IT.  He wears ridiculous, obnoxious, pajama looking, brightly colored, way over the top pants and a huge, puffy, over detailed and horrid looking coat...in just about every scene.  His jacket has all sorts of retarded sayings on it too, from single words to phrases like his signature phrase "yep yep".  Oh god.  This movie is so fucking awesome.

By far the best part of this movie is it's amazing budget, cinematography, set design, props department, and look.  And no, I am not joking about a single fucking one of those things.  This obviously was kind of like one long music video, and is looks the part.  Amazing sets, gorgeous crisp cinematography, camera work, etc.  Great forced perspective shots, crisp and beautiful color work, themes, etc....any other subject and this would've won an academy award for it's work effort.

The movie is quotable, fast paced, and so easy to laugh at it's almost too funny.  Vanilla Ice is certainly mockable, ridiculous, poser-looking, etc for anyone to get a huge kick out of watching him be a fucking idiot, and ANYONE will have a fantastic time watching this.  This movie really, really deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as every bad movie from The Room to Plan 9 From Outer Space.  It is THAT bad.  Which is why I give it a glorious 5 stars.

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