Friday, January 16, 2015

Rodentz - 2001

Also known as Altered Species.

This movie....well, wow.  I don't know.  Here's your first clue:  I was inputting the title of this blog, Rodentz 2001, but I didn't know the year it was made.  So I guessed.  And the year I guessed was 1991.  Because, it looks that old.  In fact it looks older.  The only reason I would guess the 90's is that it definitely has that 90's awful "who the fuck green-lit this" feel.

The "Rodentz" in Altered Species are some sort of, you know, special, scientist exploited, genetically altered, whatever super rodentz.  They are smart, they are cunning, and they are killers.  And they are also horrible cgi, bad puppets, stock footage, and shot in extreme close up so that you can't tell what they're doing, where they are, or what's going on.

I also find that I keep getting this movie and Carnosaur confused.  Why?  I don't know.  I watched them both on the same day.  Haha.  Yeah I'm fucking awesome, how did you know?

Lots of movies get to be called the worst movie ever.  What is the worst movie ever?  Well, it's not Rodentz.  In fact, the worst movie Ever Ever is probably just some incomprehensible mess that literally like 5 people even know exists.  Rodentz, however, is bad.  Not really even enjoyably bad.  It isn't entertaining, it's slow, it's not funny, and the Rodentz aren't even killing people in cool ways.  There's practically zero gore, zero chainsaws, there's zero charisma from hero or villain, there's a warehouse that they filmed in which is just supposed to be, well, a warehouse.

spoilers
They fight, blah blah blah, man vs rodentz for most the movie.  They discover loud noises hurt the rodentz, they kill most of them, then the mama rodent shows up and it's like the size of a person.  A really, like, laughable almost costume.  It sucks.  So, they fight it, blah blah blah, it dies a bland fiery doom death.

It is really just filler.  It's not a good 90 minutes.  It kinda sucks.  If you were drunk or high it might even kill your buzz.  Because it's bad, like really, I'm saying that.  I enjoyed Grim and Carnosaur more than this.  I enjoyed Manos: The Hands of Fate more.  I fucking enjoyed Battlefield Earth more.
Did I mention no nudity also?  Cause I'm sure they wanted to get it on TV.  So there's that too.

So, 0 out of 10, Grade F, this dude shouldn't have been allowed to direct again.

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